Ever long for the days when you press "zero" on the phone's keypad and you get a real living person? You do? Man, you're probably over 50 by now. I still remember the rotary dial and when the wheel stops spinning you'll hear a very pleasant voice answering "Operator!" Since only a few can afford to subscribe to a telephone, the operator welcomes callers asking for assistance. The encounter over the phone turns into a brief friendly chat.
Today your operator has metamorphosed into a digital voice machine asking you to press 1 for Spanish, press 2 if you know the extension number of the person you want to reach, press 3 for company directory, etc. until you get to the end "all our customer representatives are currently busy assisting other customers; your call will be taken by the first available representative in the order your call came; your waiting time is approximately 16 minutes."
Holy Tuna! How many representatives are working in that @#$%^& company? If you're lucky you'll get connected to someone with a Bangladeshi sing-song greeting! This is where the fun begins.
Rep: Goood morning, sir, how may I asssist you today?
Me: Hello, I have a flat tire and I can't turn the lugs. They're too tight. I need roadside assistance.
Rep: Are you parked in a safe location?
Me: No. I'm under an overpass and there's no shoulder here.
Rep: I suggest you move your car to a safer location, sirr.
Me: No can do. The engine siezed. Won't turn.
Rep: Can you give me your location, sirr?
Me: I'm 2 blocks before the Gordon Multiplex cinema, facing north.
Rep: I mean what country, sirr.
Me: New York, USA. C'mon, I'm on Route 202 in Westchester County. My cell gives my location.
Rep: Sorry, sirr. I have no GPS monitor. I work part time from home... I'll call he nearest garage now.
Me: Where are you, by the way?
Rep: I'm in Calcutta, sir... excuse me... I just spilled my tea over my map... can you hold, please?
Me: Okay, but hurry up, it's starting to snow...
Rep: Alright, sirr, a mechanic is on the way. Please turn on your hazard lights for his benefit.
Me: I can't do that. I got locked out of my car. It's getting really cold now.
Rep: I'll tell the mechanic to bring an extra coat for you, sirr.
Me: Thank you. How long do I wait?
Rep: Maybe 1 hour sir. The mechanic is coming from Long Island...
Me: What? That's 2 hours away from here!
Rep: Sorry, sirr... it's a holiday and majority of roadside assistance shops are closed.
Me: I'm turning blue from the cold...
Rep: I'll tell the mechanic to bring you some coffee, sirr.
Me: But that'll be cold coffee by the time he arrives here!
Rep: Sorry, sirr. I'd like to assist you myself but you're so far away from Calcutta.
The tow truck arrive 4 hours later. It got held up in traffic on the Throgs Neck bridge. Meanwhile, I called 911 and the ambulance took me to Phelps Memorial Hospital for frostbite treatment. My car wasn't that fortunate, an SUV slid on the loose snow and slammed into it. Surprise - as my car caroomed off the jack, the pesky flat tire flew off, sending five stubborn lugs flying in all directions.
Oh, to be back in Manila again where I probably would be assisted by a couple of tricycle drivers to get that flat tire off!
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